Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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