come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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