Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
