i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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