having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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