My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize