Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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