Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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