Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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