yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
