I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
