between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
