She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
