Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
