Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just invented taco cereal.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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