i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize