I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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