I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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