I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
