Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
