I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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