At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
