Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
