there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
