I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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