loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The air taste purple.
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