It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize