if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
