So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
