i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
