sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The maid of honor just puked.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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