I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
