Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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