Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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