I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
