Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
as a side note pls kill me
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
