She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
