You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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