I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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