I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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