On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
