I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
