I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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