if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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