My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This is my gift to your gina
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
