so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
