Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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