He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
