Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
