Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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