He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
