My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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