i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
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