Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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