If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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