I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize